By day 3 I was feeling no pain thanks to Oxycodone, but sometimes to gain something you gotta lose something and what I lost was the ability to make (choose one of countless synonyms here) DOO-DOO. By day 4 I had gained five pounds and looked like I was in the 5th month of pregnancy.
I got desperate and used the douche hose that is installed in my bathtub with limited success (no self respecting homosexual that I know would not have one). What came out I can only describe as small round pellets, milk duds if you will. I did not feel any real relief. And the stool softeners (Colace) that costs $20 for 60 capsules were of no help. For what they cost, I should have been dropping fur lined logs, but no go.
To take my mind off the matter, I walked over to Dupont Circle, a short 5 block walk from where I live in Washington, D.C. to feed peanuts to my 'pet' squirrels there. My surgeon had prohibited me from riding my bike but she had recommended that I get out and do as much walking as I could to facilitate my recovery. On the way home I stopped at my good friends, Nolan and Hynda, and mentioned how miserable I was, not from any residual pain from the surgery, but rather the inability to take a...(again, choose from your favorite synonym) DUMP. They were sympathetic and encouraging and promised that before push came to shove (ouch), I would soon be my old self.
That 'old self' is someone who has hardly missed a day when he hasn't taken a healthy (again...choose) DRECK (I'm jewish, of course).
In the course of our conversation, it dawned on me that there must be a hundred different names that people have used from childhood to adulthood to describe their (the most commonly used) BMs. It got me to thinking that it might be fun (illuminating?) to do a piece on my blog on the subject of...TURDS. So I emailed half a dozen friends and asked them to send back a list of names
they had used whenever referring to their...POOP. What I got back was amazing.
One friend sent me a list of over 20 names, but what I wanted were only those that people actually used as children, young adults, parents and as 'alta cockers' (senior citizens, the group to which I am a bona fide member).
I also wanted to get a survey that included regional considerations. For example, one friend, who happens to be black and was born and raised in Oklahoma, said his family called their BMs 'doo-doo', 'dooky', 'poopie' and 'stinkie'. Another friend said her stepfather (also from Oklahoma) called them (a personal fav of mine on this list) 'padoopies' pronounced 'pa-do-pees, as in "Honey, I'm in the bathroom taking a padoopie."
This same friend (whose mother is French) and lives on a beautifully landscapped estate with a fish pond, gardens and a state-of-the-arts movie theatre in the lower level (you don't say 'basement' in Great Falls) that I am still waiting to be invited to view a film in, says she usually just yells to her husband, "Sweetie, I'm in the bathroom taking a SHIT." I admire her directness, but at the same time it is the last word that I would suspect this very cultured friend to use when mentioning a BM.
Growing up my siblings and I usually referred to our BMs as 'EH-EH'. Like many parents, I don't think mine ever used any words to describe their BMs. A dear friend who grew up in England told me that she had to fight 6 other people in her family to use the one LOO (WC) they shared and they never ever made mention of (choose your fav) KA-KA.
My first girlfriend (I was 5 years old), Roberta Brotman, who was one of 4 sisters and grew up across the street from me, used the word 'GOATS' as in "I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to tell...I just made GOATS."
When I was married (to a wonderful gal I am still mad about), my wife and I used the word, 'DOODIES'. While I was unbelievably 'regular', poor Charl often went days without defecating and when she did, it was cause for celebration. "Honey, I just made a bunch of DOODIES. To this very day, we still use this word and yes, it is still cause for celebration in her home in Germantown, Md. He didn't offer and I didn't ask, but I suspect her husband, a former military policeman, probably uses the word SHIT. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Tommy's a no nonsense man's man and I can't imagine his telling Carol that he is going in the bathroom to make doodies.
The list, as you can imagine, is endless. Here are just a few more synonyms for the word: SQUAT, STEAMER, STINK PICKLE, STOOL, WOLF BAIT, LOG, FUDGE, SCAT, GUANO,
DINGLEBERRY, TOOTSIE ROLL, KLINGONS, BLACK BANANA, WATERLOG, LOADIE
and one of my favorites that a former drag queen once told me, BUDDA BABY.
One of my favorite stories from my 26 years at Paramount Pictures in Los Angeles happened one morning when I was in a meeting with the producer, Alan Ladd, Jr., discussing the renovation of his office suite on the studio lot. It was around 9:30am and as he so often did, my 83 year old father had called me and my assistant forwarded the call to Ladd's office where I took it. When I got off, he asked if anything was wrong.
"Oh, no," I said. "He called to tell me he had just taken a healthy SHIT." Laddie roared and we resumed our discussion.
By the way, on the 5th day post surgery, I was able to relieve myself and sing...HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN.
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