As boring as they were, last night's Independent Spirit Awards did have 6 neat things, including:
1. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE CHRISTIAN BALE ON THE STAGE WITH THE JERK HE PORTRAYED IN THE FIGHTER;
2. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE THAT FAT FUCK (thank you, Sheridan) SCOTT RUDIN ON THE STAGE ACCEPTING AN AWARD FOR THE SOCIAL NETWORK WHICH WAS INELIGIBLE FOR SPIRIT AWARDS BECAUSE IT WAS FINANCED AND RELEASED BY A MAJOR STUDIO;
3. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE COLIN FIRTH GIVE YET ANOTHER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR HIS PERFORMANCE IN THE KING'S SPEECH SINCE THE FILM WAS ONLY NOMINATED IN THE BEST FOREIGN FILM CATEGORY (I kid you not). GRANTED, FIRTH IS A CHARMER, A WONDERFUL ACTOR AND HE WILL GIVE WHAT I AM SURE WILL BE A VERY HEARTFELT AND TERRIBLY TASTEFUL ACCEPTANCE SPEECH AT TONIGHT'S OSCARS CEREMONY, BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, DONT YA THINK?
4. WE GOT TO SEE 2 ACTORS, BOTH FROM THAT TERRIFIC FILM, WINTER'S BONE, WHO ARE NOT AT ALL WELL KNOWN (and who appear to be descendents of hillbillies in Kentucky), ACKNOWLEDGED FOR THEIR PERFORMANCES WITH SPIRIT AWARDS AND GIVE HEARTFELT ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES WITHOUT THE USE OF WRITTEN NOTES;
5. BECAUSE SONGS ARE NOT ACKNOWLEDGED BY THE SPIRIT AWARDS, WE DIDN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANY OF THE GOD AWFUL OSCAR NOMINATED SONGS WHICH MERCIFULLY I BELIEVE ONLY TOTAL 3 NOW; AND
6. NATALIE PORTMAN, IN ACCEPTING HER SPIRIT AWARD FOR HER PERFORMANCE IN BLACK SWAN, FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT AND MADE A VERY HEARTFELT AND SWEET SPEECH AND SPARED US THE MENTION OF HER HUSBAND AND HIS (presumably) MOY GRANDE PENGIS.
NOW BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE OSCARS TONIGHT. SHORT OF JAMES FRANCO PULLING OUT HIS PECKER AND JERKING OFF, I CANT IMAGINE ANYTHING EXCITING OR UNEXPECTED TO OCCUR.
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW, RIGHT?
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